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Written by Kim Solis, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Milwaukie, Oregon
I never saw it coming.
I was taught how to be a child and to obey my parents, though I did not always do so, as I sought to do my will and not theirs.
I was advised on how to be a young wife, to respect my husband, though sometimes my impulses lead me into other directions.
I took classes about how to be a mother, to raise my children in the discipline of the Lord, though I have often wondered if I have really done the job, I could have or should have.
Relationships shift and settle as we grow and mature. Experiences and trials shake us up and we have to adapt and change. But, for the most part, we are prepared, if not with tools, at least with knowledge that change is coming.
We know that we will grow up and become independent from our parents.
We know that our marriage will suffer ups and downs and that we can’t take it for granted and that we will have to work at it to make it last.
We know our children will grow and that our relationship with them will also change as they make their own decisions, even ones that we are not completely in agreement with.
But who really talks about the relationship with parents who increasingly become more and more dependent on us as they grow old and their bodies (and sometimes minds) begin to fail?
I’m almost 50. I have been independent from my parents for 3 decades. I have been married for 27 years and we’re at a good, stable, solid place in our marriage. We have raised children and am now enjoying the expanding family as they seek their hearts’ mates and contemplate their own future families. My role as mom is being redefined, and it is a process that is both beautiful and fearful, and immensely satisfying.
But, no one told me. No one warned me. Nothing prepared me for the fact that as I see my own children fly the nest and I contemplate this new stage of life, that I would again be mom. Not for my children, but for my mother.
Honor your mother and your father. (Ephesians 6:2, among others)
We always talk about honoring our parents as obeying them while we are young. But how do we honor them when they are old?
As her health fails, I am constantly being redefined. The obedient daughter who serves as needed, yet making decisions like a mom, making sure all is in order and taken care of.
I can do that. I did it for my kids, I can take care of mom. But no one told me about how my heart would hurt to see the woman who was always so strong, so sure, suddenly weak and forgetful. She was my rock and now she needs me.
It is easy to become irritated, to snap back and be impatient. She is not a child. She should be able to do basic things for herself. She always has before. But times have changed and are continually changing.
What does it mean to honor my mother in this stage of life?
Paul’s words to the Galatians give me direction in this, as well in all relationships I have:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. (Galatians 5:22-26, NIV)
Sometimes, if I am honest, I don’t want this new role. I want my mom to continue to take care of me; I don’t want to take care of her. But it isn’t about what I want. It is about what she needs. She is my mom. The one who took care of me when I could not take care of myself. It is my turn to do what God calls me to do, and the Spirit will give me strength.
It is not the time to treat my mom with impatience, exasperation, authority, and harshness.
I love her. It is a joy to have these times together. I am at peace with what will come, knowing that it is all in God’s hands. I will be patient, giving her the space and calmness to do the things that now are difficult for her. I will treat her with kindness, goodness, and gentleness… faithfully as long as she needs. I have to practice self-control for those times when her weakness causes her to lash out, and above all else, continually place her and myself in God’s hands.
I have understood, through this and other lessons this past year, that it is not about what we live, but HOW we live it. This is not what I would have chosen to live during this past year. But I am living it with great joy and peace, thankful for the opportunity to serve and to honor my mother, as God has asked us to.
Is there something you can do today to honor your mother and father?
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Written by Wendy Neill, Advancement Coordinator for Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Searcy, AR
I have a math problem for you. Ready? What is the solution to this formula?
((1,874,309 / 45) + 593,482 – (23 * 497,833) + 4,349 – (4 * 597)) * 0
I hope you didn’t work too hard on that. Did you catch the part at the end? The “times zero”? That changes everything. The answer is simply zero.
It doesn’t matter how complicated or lengthy the math problem. If you add “times zero” at the end, everything is made simple. The answer will always be zero.
It is the same way with these two words: “but God.” When you add God to the mix, everything changes. Today we are going to talk about how adding God to a relationship can redefine the relationship.
Let’s look at Daniel. Daniel was a servant and a captive of King Nebuchadnezzar. The king had besieged and conquered Judah and hauled off the strong and talented young men to serve him. In chapter one, we see Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refuse to defile themselves with the king’s food. They risked the king’s anger with this refusal, but it paid off. This was their first test.
In chapter two, things heat up a bit. This time, the king has a frightening dream. He demands that someone among his advisers not only interpret the dream, but also describe the dream. If they don’t, he will kill them all! This includes Daniel and his friends.
Daniel doesn’t try to calm the king or reason with him. He doesn’t try to call in favors, pay bribes, or work political angles to avoid this fate. He turns to God in prayer. And it changes everything. Daniel goes to bed as a servant of the king who was under a death sentence. But God reveals the dream to him during the night and within 24 hours the king makes Daniel a ruler over the entire province of Babylon and places him in charge of all its wise men. God completely redefines the relationship between Daniel and the king!
What other relationships in the Bible do you see redefined when God is added to the mix? What relationships in your own life are complicated and hard? Have you asked God to come into the middle of that relationship? What might happen if He did?
This Saturday, May 8th, at 9:30 am CDT we will have our monthly virtual ladies Bible study on “Relationships Redefined.” I will be speaking to the English-speaking women and Brenda Brizendine will be speaking to the Spanish-speaking women. I will be delving further into this topic, but I also want to hear from you during that time. Join us and share your own insights on how God redefines relationships.